Kaamo hi yagne
prathamo nainam devaa aapuh pitaro na martyaah
Tatastvamasi
jyaayaan vishwahaa mahaan tasmai te kaama namaskaromi
O
Kamadeva, in the sacrifice of creation, you were the first to emerge; gods,
ancestors or humans did not get the same status as you
You
are the oldest and the best, with none more omnipotent than you, so I salute
you, Kamadeva.
Cast your mind back to the time
when you were a teenager, when you were about to enter highschool, and were ultra-curious
about all matters relating to physical pleasure. Whom did you turn to, to satisfy this
curiosity? Those of you who belong to
the pre-internet era, are likely to say peers (who were equally
ignorant/misinformed), adult magazines (with glammed up models), or
clandestinely arranged blue-film VCR watch-parties (films in which we saw impossibly
well-endowed actors with amazing ‘staying power’). The Gen Z children are luckier; for them,
access to the sexual act is just a few clicks away on their handheld
devices.
Regardless of the mode of
exploration, all children/adolescents have a natural curiosity about...
SEX.
That one word that is sure to
send any Indian parent into a tizzy. A
topic that is often spoken of in hushed tones, if not brushed under the carpet
altogether. Indian parents are masters
at pretending as though sex does not exist, and somehow our existence on this
planet is a result of some immaculate and/or chaste divination. Growing up, I have seen overzealous adults changing
TV channels whenever an intimate scene appeared, to save us children from
becoming ‘spoilt’. Rather than hiding
and denying, how wonderful it would have been if these adults had provided us
with timely education on such matters. It
would have saved us from misinformation and much embarrassment.
Sexual censoriousness is an
unfortunate by product of centuries of Abrahamic invasions and occupation and
negation of our land, religion and culture that has immortalized sex through
the erotic sculptures of Khajuraho and the greatest manual on sex, Kamasutra. Prior to this forced puritanism, our
scriptures had already acknowledged the importance of sex in our
existence. The Taitiriya Upanishad exhorted
gurukul-graduating students to become householders and have progeny to
perpetuate the society. The
Purusharthas, in addition to dharma (righteousness/duty), artha (job/money) and
moksha (liberation), also prescribe kama (sex/marriage/progeny) as the four
main goals of human life.
Which other religion/culture can
lay claim to such an achievement? This
overt expression of human sexuality is to be appreciated, celebrated and
revived, rather than vilified and denied.
This is not to negate the
spiritual aspects of our existence; we are, as the saying goes, spiritual
beings having a human experience. But
with the exception of certain messiahs, the lesser mortals such as you and I
are here in our physical avatars because, excuse the bluntness, our parents had
sex with each other. We are all products
of desire, and there is no getting around this fact.
In actual fact, sex is
omnipresent. It is what every living
being resorts to instinctually to propagate the species. The sex drive is usually higher in men for a
reason: to help the male of the species to spread his genetic material far and
wide to ensure survival of his ilk. The
more you repress sex as a society, the more it is likely to emerge later, often
bursting out as unbridled urges with disastrous consequences – sexual assaults
and rapes being the prime adverse effects of this repressive mindset.
There are misconceptions galore
as far as the sexual act is concerned. A
headmistress of a school once asked me if by imparting sex education to the children
of her school, would we not encourage overt sexual behaviour in them?! The short answer to that, of course, is no, but really, how do you
respond to that without being incredulous, coming as it was from an educated
person occupying a position of responsibility? Just goes to show how ill-informed we are about something as basic a necessity as food and water.
In certain religions, implausible
notions of chastity are advocated, which somehow seem to be applicable only to
the female members of such regressive communities. Hence, we find women under veils of various
colours, sizes, and shapes, sometimes covering the entire body like a bank
vault. In the olden days, chastity belts
were used to make sure that the woman of the house does not sleep with any
other man. Female genital mutilation is
another regressive practice that is inflicted on hapless women to ensure their
sex drive is under control.
I have lost count of the number
of men who are preoccupied with the size of their penises. Somehow, sexual potency is equated with the
length of the male organ, and the unhappy ones can go to any extent and website
selling potency pills in the pursuit of those few extra inches, or ‘high stamina’. There is a particular type of culture-bound
syndrome called Dhat Syndrome that is prevalent among Indian men, in which
there is a belief that semen is being lost in the urine resulting in enervation
and loss of potency.
Masturbation is considered to be abnormal by many. It is seen as a desperate act by those who are single or wary of having interpersonal sex. In certain spiritual practices, it is considered to be a waste of energy source if veeryaskalana - semen ejaculation by masturbation, is done.
In reality, everybody does it, but does not
admit to it. It is a normal act, and
indeed a release for sexual tension, which may otherwise present as nightfall
or sexual frustration. While moderate
masturbation is okay, it is important to remember that excessive masturbation
can be addictive and therefore harmful.
Appropriate use of pornography is
looked down upon severely in conservative societies. Like sex, this is also omnipresent – if any
man says he has never browsed porn, take it as a big fat lie. Again, this is not to say that women do not
have sexual urges or browse porn, but comparatively they do it less. In certain long-stay rehab centres, where the
inmates do not have access to interpersonal sex, it is not uncommon to provide
them with adult magazines/films so that they can gratify themselves. Needless to say, excessive porn, like
masturbation is harmful, and that involving nonconsenting individuals and
children is a criminal act.
Paraphilias are sexual deviances, such as being aroused by non-genital body parts or non-living objects or crossdressing. This could be a normal variant of sexual act, but when it involves a nonconsenting individual or a child, or the act/thought itself causes significant distress or social impairment, then it could become a Paraphilic Disorder.
Just to quote an example, I
have seen a teenaged boy who admitted to crossdressing and getting aroused by
the act. Even though his actions caused
much distress to his parents, it might have been okay if he had done it in
privacy (Transvestism). But he once
stood in the balcony wearing his mother’s clothes and gesticulated at passing
men on the road, as a result of which his diagnosis had to be Transvestic
Disorder.
There is one paraphilia that is
both a mental disorder and a crime: pedophilia. Child sexual abuse is rampant in our society,
and once again, we as parents/guardians have failed spectacularly to keep our
children safe from sexual predators.
On the other hand, there are
variations in normal gender and/or sexual preference which are neither disorders
nor crimes: transsexualism and homosexuality.
That is to say, individuals who identify themselves as belonging to
another gender, or not at all, and those who are sexually attracted to members
of their own gender, are neither ill nor criminals.
Unless you have been living under
a rock recently, you will know that homosexuality has been decriminalised and
that these individuals are collectively grouped under the label of
LGBTQI+. The plus at the end indicates
the complex and never-ending manifestation of human gender/sexuality that keeps
expressing itself in newer ways, refusing to be confined to the binary of
male/female that we in Indian society have assumed to be the case all these
years. This spectrum has always existed,
but like sex it was not acknowledged until now, when more such individuals are
coming out to assert their gender/sexuality openly.
As parents, it behoves you to be
sympathetic if your son/daughter turns out to be gay; it is not a lifestyle
choice, it is just the way they are.
Just as being left-handed or grey-eyed is a deviation from usual, being
gay is a deviation from heterosexuality.
Remember that there is no treatment to cure them of being gay, and
accept them for what they are.
With so much of intricacies and
misconceptions associated with the sexual act, imagine the plight of a child
that is just waking up to the reality that children are not deposited on the
doorstep by a stork or that their siblings were not given to them by God for
good behaviour. They can be gullible
enough to trust that dodgy uncle who slips his hand up their undergarments
while feeling himself, and then tells them to ‘keep it a secret’, or else!
Your children are not aware about
the risks involved in having sex with strangers or boy/girlfriends that they
have just met, whether they be unwanted pregnancies, or sexually contracted
diseases. They are certainly not aware
that they should develop a trustworthy relationship with a person of good
character before they submit their bodies to the sexual act. As a result, they are vulnerable to being
exploited, abused, and being subjected to a non-consensual sexual assault.
It is time, therefore, as parents
to shed our cultural conditioning about sex and take a lead in sexually
educating our children. But what is the
right age to do this at? Who should do
it; father or mother? What should be
included in the sex education talk? Will we be inducing sexual promiscuity by talking openly about sex? To address such misgivings, I have prepared a
few tips on sex education in this video (with additional text in Hindi &
Kannada):
I have no hesitation in saying
that I provided sexual education to my daughter just after she attained
menarche. You may well ask, how can I,
as a parent talk to my child about sex?!
Horror of horrors, how can a father talk to his daughter about sexual gratification,
or a mother to her son, for that matter?
I say, why not? If not you, who
else? Their friends? Teachers?
Websites? If you do not do it,
your child will find a way of educating him/herself and also satisfying his/her
urge. The source/means of doing this
could be iffy and dangerous.
So, it is better if you remain in
control of this part of their essential life education, as well as your overall
PR, i.e., parental responsibility. You
should make yourself so approachable that your child is not diffident about
talking to you about sex, or any other issue, for that matter. I am not saying start having open sex in
front of your toddler, or start browsing porn with your teenager, but we need
to shed our inhibitions about sex, and have open discussions about it at the
right time period.
Educate your child about the
possibility of sexual abuse when he/she is likely to leave the safety of your
home and meet other people, at a playschool, for example. Specifically, speak about ‘good touch, bad
touch’ and not to trust strangers and do as they say without checking with
you.
When your child attains puberty,
speak about the topics covered in this video.
I am deliberately not prescribing an age to do this at, because the
concept of biological age, I find, is arbitrary and unhelpful as far as human
development and understanding are concerned; each child develops at his/her own
pace. Instead, let your child’s
mind/body guide you. In girls, menarche
is the definite starting point of physical puberty, but in boys it is rather
vague, but you can still watch out for signs of physical sexual maturity such
as deepening of voice, development of facial hair, and, if you can discern, a
curiosity in matters relating to sex.
In both the genders, it is important to remember that they may be physically mature, but emotionally still naïve. So, talk about the emotions, relationships, character traits of boy/girlfriend/partner, and assessing trustworthiness before embarking on a sexual relationship at a later age, perhaps towards the end of adolescence.
More specifically,
talk about the issue of consent: girls are allowed to say no to the sexual act,
or change their mind about it at any time, and boys have to respect this
decision and leave them alone, and, just to be absolutely clear, this is applicable even
if the genders are reversed.
If you are still uncomfortable
talking to your child/teenager about these issues, do not hesitate to seek the
help of a professional counsellor (preferably gender-matched).
Update, October 2023:
I saw the film, OMG2 and tweeted thus:
I particularly liked the following aspects:
- The symbolism of Shivalinga, which depicts the sexual union of Purusha and Prakriti (even though in the spiritual sense, it is a column of Shiva's effulgence that originated at the time of creation).
- Apart from the cultural references mentioned above, there was also a quote from the Panchatantra about kamashastra - sexual education of students.
- I am glad they raised the issue of Macaulayization of Indian education system, which was very effective in annihilating kamashastra, leading to further repression of sex in our society: I hope that this is addressed in the National Education Policy.
- Loved the Shiva-Nandi interludes that keep guiding the protagonist towards Truth.
- The song, Oonche oonche wadi is beautiful.
- I am a big fan of Pankaj Tripathi who is extraordinary in this film, and richly deserves every bit of the success that he is getting.
References/resources:
Kamadeva quote: attributed to Upanishad Ganga, Episode 11, Chinmaya Creations, 2012
Background music: Moonrise,
Reed Mathis
Images:
https://ifioque.com/img/gender-889.jpg
https://pitjournal.unc.edu/article/sex-education-public-schools
https://opentextbc.ca/anatomyandphysiologyopenstax/wp-content/uploads/sites/264/2019/07/Female_and_Male_Urethra-1.jpg
https://62e528761d0685343e1c-f3d1b99a743ffa4142d9d7f1978d9686.ssl.cf2.rackcdn.com/files/96894/width668/image-20151001-5869-1ke5waq.jpg
