Film conversations: Kantara

Kantara is turning out to be a sleeper hit, running chiefly on the fuel of word of mouth.  Very rarely do I venture into a multiplex, but when the family insisted that it was our 'national duty' to watch this film since everyone else was, just as during Dangal, I had to given in.  But of course, my grouse is about the multiplex experience, not the film per se; the film itself is first rate.  

Think of Thithi in terms of the rustic rawness, and you have it in this.  Think of Jallikattu in terms of beautifully lit night scenes in the jungle and background music, and you have them in this.  Think of the eerie jungle mystique of Churuli, and you have that here.  Think of Karnan in terms of the village being under siege and the villagers fighting back against the police/landlord, and you can see the similarity.  

But then Kantara is not confined to any of these descriptions; it stands alone in its own right as a showcase of the culture of Uttara Kannada/Malenadu/Udupi regions of Karnataka, specifically of bhuta kola, or the spirit dance/worship artform.  The situations and dialect is so true to the region, that even Kannada audiences need to read the subtitles sometimes to make sense of the drama, which comes with a smattering of Tulu, the local language.  

Kantara could have ended up like a documentary, but the makers have come up with a clever combination of intrigue, culture, spirituality and humour to keep one engrossed for the two and half hour duration of the film.  I could almost taste the ele-adike (betel leaf & nut) in my mouth as the scenes showing the natural beauty and culture of Kundapura unfolded.  And as touted, the denouement is captivating.  There are sexual innuendos and swear words throughout, which makes it difficult to classify this as a family film.    

The film is not without flaws: it could have lingered on certain moments instead of the breakneck pace we get to see, the change in the landlord's and police officer's characters could have been shown more convincingly, the mother's lament that her son is walking in the footsteps of his father is not explored fully, the entire romantic/sexual angle could have been more implicit or even eliminated, and the background music, though excellent, could have been toned down a bit, but I suspect this is down to the multiplexes jacking up the volume rather than any fault of the makers.  

Kantara goes to show what can be achieved by focusing on our indigenous culture, rather than the standard Bollywood fare that major production houses dish out.  It also demonstrates the stature of regional, especially South Indian, cinema that is growing with every outing.  Not least, this is a successful demonstration of the untapped cinematic potential of our culture, spirituality, smritis, shrutis, puranas, and itihasas, which, if Kantara's success is any indication, we will be thankfully seeing more of.   

The only blemish on Kantara is that one of its songs appears to be more than 'inspired' by another music group's song which is at least five years old.  It would be prudent for Kantara's makers to acknowledge this if they haven't done so, and give due credit to the original song's makers.  

This does not, however, diminish what Kantara otherwise achieves.  In a time when needless remakes of old classics or films from other languages are the norm - not to mention the biopics galore on every conceivable high achiever - Kantara is a rare danta kathe, or a folktale, that is remake-proof: neither is it a remake of anything else, nor can anyone remake it into another language given that it is a product of a specific local culture.  

So, well done to the entire team.  Highly recommended viewing!  

Picture source: https://www.deccanherald.com/entertainment/entertainment-news/rishab-i-always-aim-to-reflect-issues-of-society-1147789.html

 

Mahishasura Mardini Stotram (Aigiri Nandini)

The Mahishasura Mardini Stotram, popularly recognized by its starting phrase, Aigiri Nandini, was composed by Adi Shankaracharya.  Even though some sources attribute the stotra to Ramakrishna Kavi, with due respect to him, one would be foolish to take the attribution away from the Hero of Hinduism, given the complexity and the rhythmic beauty of the composition.

During Navratri or Dussehra, the Mother Goddess is worshipped according to the Navadurga, or the nine special attributes of the Mother Goddess, each on one of the nine nights.  The tenth day, when the Mother Goddess was victorious is celebrated as Vijayadashami.  The stotra celebrates the victory of Maa Durga over the demon king Mahishasura, in essence, the victory of good over evil. 

In this video I have broken down the phrases to facilitate proper pronunciation by those wishing to learn the stotra. 

https://youtu.be/ZLtBUzqBk_I

Bhakti Sudha, the primary source for this rendition does not have one paragraph, but for the sake of completion we have included it, as given in other sources (see references below).

Resources/references/meaning:

• Bhakti Sudha, Central Chinmaya Mission Trust, 24^th Edition, 2012
• https://www.greenmesg.org/stotras/durga/mahishasura_mardini_stotram.php
• https://www.devshoppe.com/blogs/articles/sri-mahishasura-mardini-stotram-with-meaning
• https://vak1969.com/2020/09/29/mahishasura-mardini-aigiri-nandini-context-meaning-learning/
• https://www.speakingtree.in/blog/mahishasuramardini-stotram-with-english-translation

Pictures: 

• https://www.indianetzone.com/photos_gallery/31/MahisasuraMardini_21480.jpg
• https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b7/Om_symbol.svg/200px-Om_symbol.svg.png
• https://www.vedicgrace.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/swastik-vedicgrace-foundation.jpg
• https://www.amazon.in/SHANDICRAFT-Dhunachi-Burner-Indian-Incense/dp/B07HCQLR1T

Background music: Maestro Tlakaelel, Jesse Gallagher

Shiva Tandava Stotram

Such is the beauty of Sanatana Dharma that one of the chief villains of its itihasas, Ravana and his scholarly work are accorded a special status in its treasure trove of spiritual riches.  

The Shiva Tandava Stotram is one such exquisite composition by Ravana, and speaks of the Great Dance of Dissolution of Lord Shiva, the Tandava.  

It describes how Lord Shiva moves during the dance, and ends with the assurance that whoever recites this stotra will be blessed by Lord Shiva.  The famed temple figurine that represents the cosmic dance is Nataraja, one of the many manifestations of Lord Shiva.

In the video, I have broken down the lyrics to facilitate proper pronunciation, just as we did while learning to recite the shloka.

https://youtu.be/hZY0FE9kpOg

Meaning/significance/resources/references:

• https://i.stack.imgur.com/4lM8T.jpg
• https://c2.staticflickr.com/8/7360/8989944738_9b76aa46e0_b.jpg
• https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2014/04/02/10/15/meditation-303260_640.png
• https://greenmesg.org/stotras/shiva/shiva_tandava_stotram.php
• https://vedicfeed.com/shiva-tandava-stotram-lyrics-sanskrit-and-english/
• Background music: Tratak, Jesse Gallagher

Bright: A silent short film on Mania

Mania is part of Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depressive Psychosis in the olden days).  It is an episodic condition characterized by excessive happiness/irritability and increased energy/activities.  In addition, there could also be agitation, distractibility, racing thoughts, excessive speech, reduced sleep, grandiose ideas, and risk-taking behaviour such as rash driving, overspending or sexually promiscuous behaviour.  It can alternate with depressive periods, although this is not always necessary; a single episode of Mania still qualifies as Bipolar Disorder.  

Persons undergoing a manic episode may be able to describe the euphoric feeling of ‘feeling on top of the world’, with no need to rest or sleep.  They feel highly energetic, and often this energy is directed towards purposeless activities that can rile up people they live with.  They can sing, dance, make jokes, and quote poems with rhyming words, or on the other hand, cry for no reason, and become very angry over trivial issues, and even assault others.  In severe cases, psychotic features such as grandiose delusions may set in, which results in the person believing that he/she is rich beyond means, or has some special abilities, or that they are very important individuals, such as presidents or celebrities. 

With all this going on, the feature that makes Mania the most challenging condition to manage is that the person is unaware that he/she is mentally ill and needs treatment.  But when treatment is given, the symptoms become more manageable, and with the recovery of insight, preventive treatment can be continued on a long-term basis.

Credits
Featuring: Aadya Pawar
Writing/Direction/Editing: Deepak Pawar

[Currently only showing in Festival Circuits]

In this short educative video on Mania, I have attempted to show some of the above features as accurately as possible.  I have experimented with images/sounds that best depict the misplaced joyousness and inner turmoil of the person experiencing Mania.  The speed is deliberately enhanced and the music is set at a frenetic pace to convey the feelings of restless energy in the person.  The expressions/emotions displayed by the actress are similar to those that I have observed in patients with Mania over the years. 

If you feel dizzy, irritable, excited or exhausted while watching this video, that’s just down to the condition itself; the ideas is to give you a feel of mental state of the person experiencing a manic episode.  

As with other short films on Depression and Anxiety, I invite your constructive comments/suggestions and ratings/reviews at Bright on IMDb.

Please also see my patient education video on Bipolar Disorder.

For a more professional information on Mania and Bipolar Disorder (under Mood Disorders), please go through the lectures.

Resources:

Background music: Book Me 2 Flirt-Max McFerren; Busy City-TrackTribe; This is Not Drum and Bass-True Cuckoo

Mania quote: https://www.youthdynamics.org/18-quotes-illustrating-life-with-bipolar-disorder/

Bipolar disorder statistics: https://www.business-standard.com/content/press-releases-ani/one-out-of-150-suffer-from-bipolar-disorder-in-india-70-percent-left-untreated-though-it-is-treatable-122090700775_1.html

Film conversations: Sakutumba Sametha

After a long time, certainly not since Oggarane, have I come across a Kannada film that conveys what it has to say subtly without any over the top shenanigans.  To be fair, I haven't watched too many films recently to compare this with other similarly paced ones, but I am sure these are few and far in between, given Kannada films' penchant for the bombastic and sometimes crude wordplay.  I must admit, I was sceptical going into this one for these very reasons, but I am happy to report that Sakutumba Sametha is not guilty of any of these irritants.

The Sakutumba team has managed to show that convoluted storylines, toxic masculinity, raunchy item songs, heavy/crude dialogues, crazed facial expressions, enhanced dramatics, positive endings and similar cinematic tropes are not required to create good content.    If anything, Sakutumba subverts these tropes to include nuanced expressions, subtle humour, day to day conversational dialogues, natural acting, and an open ending, to stitch together a compelling and engaging lighthearted comedy drama that Kannada cinema was so badly in need of.  

Sakutumba has the basic premise of marriage at its core, around which situations and relationships are created/explored.  Is it only the bride's family that is desperate to find a match?  Does a man have it easy in terms of finding a match and dictating terms to the bride's family?  Is it always a man's prerogative to accept or reject a marriage proposal?  Should there be a definite reason to cancel a wedding?  What if the groom's side is more accommodating and flexible than the bride's?  Sakutumba tackles these issues bravely to present a realistic modern day picture of marriage and fractious family relationships minus the patriarchal claptrap that marital issues are usually ensconced in.

My only grouses are minor: there are occasional gaps in between dialogues which make them appear stilted, family members start bickering with each other in front of the other family whereas they are likely to be guarded in such situations, and if it had had a more definite ending it would have rounded things off neatly.  But like I said, I am nitpicking; overall this is a rare exercise in subtlety that is suitable for viewing by all, or make that sakutumba sametha!

As a content creator myself, I understand the makers' motivation to create content with passion and quality as driving forces, rather than mass appeal and commercial considerations.  For this reason alone, well done to the entire team, especially the writing/directing team, and Paramvah Studios for backing such a project.  

Image source:
https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/kannada/movie-details/sakutumba-sametha/movieshow/81914023.cms

Should I give SEX EDUCATION to my child?

Kaamo hi yagne prathamo nainam devaa aapuh pitaro na martyaah

Tatastvamasi jyaayaan vishwahaa mahaan tasmai te kaama namaskaromi

O Kamadeva, in the sacrifice of creation, you were the first to emerge; gods, ancestors or humans did not get the same status as you

You are the oldest and the best, with none more omnipotent than you, so I salute you, Kamadeva.

 ~o~

Cast your mind back to the time when you were a teenager, when you were about to enter highschool, and were ultra-curious about all matters relating to physical pleasure.  Whom did you turn to, to satisfy this curiosity?  Those of you who belong to the pre-internet era, are likely to say peers (who were equally ignorant/misinformed), adult magazines (with glammed up models), or clandestinely arranged blue-film VCR watch-parties (films in which we saw impossibly well-endowed actors with amazing ‘staying power’).  The Gen Z children are luckier; for them, access to the sexual act is just a few clicks away on their handheld devices. 

Regardless of the mode of exploration, all children/adolescents have a natural curiosity about...

SEX.

That one word that is sure to send any Indian parent into a tizzy.  A topic that is often spoken of in hushed tones, if not brushed under the carpet altogether.  Indian parents are masters at pretending as though sex does not exist, and somehow our existence on this planet is a result of some immaculate and/or chaste divination.  Growing up, I have seen overzealous adults changing TV channels whenever an intimate scene appeared, to save us children from becoming ‘spoilt’.  Rather than hiding and denying, how wonderful it would have been if these adults had provided us with timely education on such matters.  It would have saved us from misinformation and much embarrassment. 

Sexual censoriousness is an unfortunate by product of centuries of Abrahamic invasions and occupation and negation of our land, religion and culture that has immortalized sex through the erotic sculptures of Khajuraho and the greatest manual on sex, Kamasutra.  Prior to this forced puritanism, our scriptures had already acknowledged the importance of sex in our existence.  The Taitiriya Upanishad exhorted gurukul-graduating students to become householders and have progeny to perpetuate the society.  The Purusharthas, in addition to dharma (righteousness/duty), artha (job/money) and moksha (liberation), also prescribe kama (sex/marriage/progeny) as the four main goals of human life. 

Which other religion/culture can lay claim to such an achievement?  This overt expression of human sexuality is to be appreciated, celebrated and revived, rather than vilified and denied.  

This is not to negate the spiritual aspects of our existence; we are, as the saying goes, spiritual beings having a human experience.  But with the exception of certain messiahs, the lesser mortals such as you and I are here in our physical avatars because, excuse the bluntness, our parents had sex with each other.  We are all products of desire, and there is no getting around this fact. 

In actual fact, sex is omnipresent.  It is what every living being resorts to instinctually to propagate the species.  The sex drive is usually higher in men for a reason: to help the male of the species to spread his genetic material far and wide to ensure survival of his ilk.  The more you repress sex as a society, the more it is likely to emerge later, often bursting out as unbridled urges with disastrous consequences – sexual assaults and rapes being the prime adverse effects of this repressive mindset. 

There are misconceptions galore as far as the sexual act is concerned.  A headmistress of a school once asked me if by imparting sex education to the children of her school, would we not encourage overt sexual behaviour in them?!  The short answer to that, of course, is no, but really, how do you respond to that without being incredulous, coming as it was from an educated person occupying a position of responsibility?  Just goes to show how ill-informed we are about something as basic a necessity as food and water.

In certain religions, implausible notions of chastity are advocated, which somehow seem to be applicable only to the female members of such regressive communities.  Hence, we find women under veils of various colours, sizes, and shapes, sometimes covering the entire body like a bank vault.  In the olden days, chastity belts were used to make sure that the woman of the house does not sleep with any other man.  Female genital mutilation is another regressive practice that is inflicted on hapless women to ensure their sex drive is under control.

I have lost count of the number of men who are preoccupied with the size of their penises.  Somehow, sexual potency is equated with the length of the male organ, and the unhappy ones can go to any extent and website selling potency pills in the pursuit of those few extra inches, or ‘high stamina’.  There is a particular type of culture-bound syndrome called Dhat Syndrome that is prevalent among Indian men, in which there is a belief that semen is being lost in the urine resulting in enervation and loss of potency. 

Masturbation is considered to be abnormal by many.  It is seen as a desperate act by those who are single or wary of having interpersonal sex.  In certain spiritual practices, it is considered to be a waste of energy source if veeryaskalana - semen ejaculation by masturbation, is done.  

In reality, everybody does it, but does not admit to it.  It is a normal act, and indeed a release for sexual tension, which may otherwise present as nightfall or sexual frustration.  While moderate masturbation is okay, it is important to remember that excessive masturbation can be addictive and therefore harmful. 

Appropriate use of pornography is looked down upon severely in conservative societies.  Like sex, this is also omnipresent – if any man says he has never browsed porn, take it as a big fat lie.  Again, this is not to say that women do not have sexual urges or browse porn, but comparatively they do it less.  In certain long-stay rehab centres, where the inmates do not have access to interpersonal sex, it is not uncommon to provide them with adult magazines/films so that they can gratify themselves.  Needless to say, excessive porn, like masturbation is harmful, and that involving nonconsenting individuals and children is a criminal act.   

Paraphilias are sexual deviances, such as being aroused by non-genital body parts or non-living objects or crossdressing.  This could be a normal variant of sexual act, but when it involves a nonconsenting individual or a child, or the act/thought itself causes significant distress or social impairment, then it could become a Paraphilic Disorder.  

Just to quote an example, I have seen a teenaged boy who admitted to crossdressing and getting aroused by the act.  Even though his actions caused much distress to his parents, it might have been okay if he had done it in privacy (Transvestism).  But he once stood in the balcony wearing his mother’s clothes and gesticulated at passing men on the road, as a result of which his diagnosis had to be Transvestic Disorder.    

There is one paraphilia that is both a mental disorder and a crime: pedophilia.  Child sexual abuse is rampant in our society, and once again, we as parents/guardians have failed spectacularly to keep our children safe from sexual predators. 

On the other hand, there are variations in normal gender and/or sexual preference which are neither disorders nor crimes: transsexualism and homosexuality.  That is to say, individuals who identify themselves as belonging to another gender, or not at all, and those who are sexually attracted to members of their own gender, are neither ill nor criminals.

Unless you have been living under a rock recently, you will know that homosexuality has been decriminalised and that these individuals are collectively grouped under the label of LGBTQI+.  The plus at the end indicates the complex and never-ending manifestation of human gender/sexuality that keeps expressing itself in newer ways, refusing to be confined to the binary of male/female that we in Indian society have assumed to be the case all these years.  This spectrum has always existed, but like sex it was not acknowledged until now, when more such individuals are coming out to assert their gender/sexuality openly. 

As parents, it behoves you to be sympathetic if your son/daughter turns out to be gay; it is not a lifestyle choice, it is just the way they are.  Just as being left-handed or grey-eyed is a deviation from usual, being gay is a deviation from heterosexuality.  Remember that there is no treatment to cure them of being gay, and accept them for what they are. 

With so much of intricacies and misconceptions associated with the sexual act, imagine the plight of a child that is just waking up to the reality that children are not deposited on the doorstep by a stork or that their siblings were not given to them by God for good behaviour.  They can be gullible enough to trust that dodgy uncle who slips his hand up their undergarments while feeling himself, and then tells them to ‘keep it a secret’, or else! 

Your children are not aware about the risks involved in having sex with strangers or boy/girlfriends that they have just met, whether they be unwanted pregnancies, or sexually contracted diseases.  They are certainly not aware that they should develop a trustworthy relationship with a person of good character before they submit their bodies to the sexual act.  As a result, they are vulnerable to being exploited, abused, and being subjected to a non-consensual sexual assault.  

It is time, therefore, as parents to shed our cultural conditioning about sex and take a lead in sexually educating our children.  But what is the right age to do this at?  Who should do it; father or mother?  What should be included in the sex education talk?  Will we be inducing sexual promiscuity by talking openly about sex?  To address such misgivings, I have prepared a few tips on sex education in this video (with additional text in Hindi & Kannada):

https://youtu.be/YJDca2UiVVM

I have no hesitation in saying that I provided sexual education to my daughter just after she attained menarche.   You may well ask, how can I, as a parent talk to my child about sex?!  Horror of horrors, how can a father talk to his daughter about sexual gratification, or a mother to her son, for that matter?  I say, why not?  If not you, who else?  Their friends?  Teachers?  Websites?  If you do not do it, your child will find a way of educating him/herself and also satisfying his/her urge.  The source/means of doing this could be iffy and dangerous. 

So, it is better if you remain in control of this part of their essential life education, as well as your overall PR, i.e., parental responsibility.  You should make yourself so approachable that your child is not diffident about talking to you about sex, or any other issue, for that matter.  I am not saying start having open sex in front of your toddler, or start browsing porn with your teenager, but we need to shed our inhibitions about sex, and have open discussions about it at the right time period. 

Educate your child about the possibility of sexual abuse when he/she is likely to leave the safety of your home and meet other people, at a playschool, for example.  Specifically, speak about ‘good touch, bad touch’ and not to trust strangers and do as they say without checking with you. 

When your child attains puberty, speak about the topics covered in this video.  I am deliberately not prescribing an age to do this at, because the concept of biological age, I find, is arbitrary and unhelpful as far as human development and understanding are concerned; each child develops at his/her own pace.  Instead, let your child’s mind/body guide you.  In girls, menarche is the definite starting point of physical puberty, but in boys it is rather vague, but you can still watch out for signs of physical sexual maturity such as deepening of voice, development of facial hair, and, if you can discern, a curiosity in matters relating to sex. 

In both the genders, it is important to remember that they may be physically mature, but emotionally still naïve.  So, talk about the emotions, relationships, character traits of boy/girlfriend/partner, and assessing trustworthiness before embarking on a sexual relationship at a later age, perhaps towards the end of adolescence.  

More specifically, talk about the issue of consent: girls are allowed to say no to the sexual act, or change their mind about it at any time, and boys have to respect this decision and leave them alone, and, just to be absolutely clear, this is applicable even if the genders are reversed. 

If you are still uncomfortable talking to your child/teenager about these issues, do not hesitate to seek the help of a professional counsellor (preferably gender-matched).

Update, October 2023:

I saw the film, OMG2 and tweeted thus:

I particularly liked the following aspects:

1. The symbolism of Shivalinga, which depicts the sexual union of Purusha and Prakriti (even though in the spiritual sense, it is a column of Shiva's effulgence that originated at the time of creation).
2. Apart from the cultural references mentioned above, there was also a quote from the Panchatantra about kamashastra - sexual education of students.
3. I am glad they raised the issue of Macaulayization of Indian education system, which was very effective in annihilating kamashastra, leading to further repression of sex in our society: I hope that this is addressed in the National Education Policy.  
4. Loved the Shiva-Nandi interludes that keep guiding the protagonist towards Truth.  
5. The song, Oonche oonche wadi is beautiful.
6. I am a big fan of Pankaj Tripathi who is extraordinary in this film, and richly deserves every bit of the success that he is getting.

References/resources:

Kamadeva quote: attributed to Upanishad Ganga, Episode 11, Chinmaya Creations, 2012

Background music: Moonrise, Reed Mathis

Images:

https://www.livehindustan.com/entertainment/story-omg-2-trailer-review-pankaj-tripathi-akshay-kumar-yami-gautam-arun-govil-film-dialogues-scenes-8525111.html
https://ifioque.com/img/gender-889.jpg
https://pitjournal.unc.edu/article/sex-education-public-schools
https://opentextbc.ca/anatomyandphysiologyopenstax/wp-content/uploads/sites/264/2019/07/Female_and_Male_Urethra-1.jpg
https://62e528761d0685343e1c-f3d1b99a743ffa4142d9d7f1978d9686.ssl.cf2.rackcdn.com/files/96894/width668/image-20151001-5869-1ke5waq.jpg

Kalabhairavashtakam

Lord Shiva, the meditative Lord of Kailasa also manifests Himself as Kala Bhairava, the dark, intense, fearsome God of Death/Time whose vehicle is the shvana – dog.  After all, Lord Shiva is the destroyer god among the Holy Trinity of Brahma-Vishnu-Shiva.  Kala Bhairaveshwara also happens to be our Kuladevata.

In the video, I have broken down the lyrics to facilitate proper pronunciation, just as we did while learning to recite the shloka.

https://youtu.be/RCVzg1Tch6w

As he did so often, that Hero of Hinduism, Adi Shankaracharya wrote this ashtakam, extolling the worldly and spiritual virtues of the Guardian Deity of Kashi, Kala Bhairava. 

Reciting this shloka is said to ward off delusion, depression and anger, and take one close to the Supreme State of Bliss. 

Meaning/significance/resources/references:

• Bhaktisudha, Central Chinmaya Mission Trust, 24^th Edition, 2012
• https://greenmesg.org/stotras/shiva/kalabhairava_ashtakam.php
• https://www.artofliving.org/mahashivratri/kaal-bhairav-ashtkam
• https://www.astroved.com/articles/history-of-kala-bhairava
• Background music: Tratak, Jesse Gallagher

Breathless: A silent short film on Anxiety

Anxiety is a common emotion; everyone experiences it.  It is natural to feel anxious when you are called upon to perform in public, meet new people, visit a hospital, meet a deadline, etc.  

So, when does it become a problem? 

As therapists, we look at the quantity and quality of anxiety.  In other words, anxiety becomes a problem when the duration of symptoms exceeds far beyond what is expected, or when the quality of life is affected.  For example, if anxiety persists even after the provocative task is completed, or even after the stressful issue has been resolved, then it can be a problem. 

Further, if the anxiety worsens so much that a person is paralyzed with stress/fear, and is unable to complete the task, or go about his/her daily routine, then too, anxiety can be unproductive.  It then progresses from common anxiety to an anxiety disorder. 

Anxiety disorder manifests in many ways: panic attacks, generalized anxiety, fear of objects/situations (phobias – commonly agoraphobia & social phobia), stress following a traumatic event (post-traumatic stress disorder - PTSD), repetitive thought & actions (obsessive-compulsive disorder - OCD), etc. 

In this short silent educative film, the following conditions have been depicted:

Credits
Featuring: Aadya Pawar
Writing/Direction/Editing: Deepak Pawar

[Currently only showing in Festival Circuits]

Panic attacks: Brief spells of intense dread with physical symptoms such as breathlessness, palpitations and tremors, and psychological symptoms such as feelings of losing control/dying and sensation of body/surroundings altering in shape/form/colour. It is annoyingly repetitive and can occur even without provocation.  That is, even when the person is not doing anything stressful, when he/she is at home, or in peaceful surroundings.  It may occur on its own or in combination with any of the other anxiety disorders. 

Agoraphobia: Fear of becoming stuck in an inescapable situation, such as in crowds, buses, lifts, etc.  The individual may become homebound in severe cases; that is, he/she may not leave the place of safety – usually their home – at all.

There can also be other specific phobias: social phobia – inability to meet people/perform in public; fear of spiders (arachnophobia), snakes (ophidiophobia), injections (needle phobia), etc.

PTSD: Feelings of intense reliving experiences after a traumatic event; even though this is a stress-related disorder, anxiety and depressive feelings occur quite commonly in this condition, and the person may become homebound as he/she avoids getting into a similar situation.

OCD: Unwanted, repetitive thoughts/images/urges that cause distress (e.g., hand contamination), which is relieved by doing a compensatory act (e.g., handwashing).  This can be a highly disabling condition and affects the quality of life of both the sufferer and the carer.   

In this film, I have intermittently added imagery pertaining to anxiety-provoking objects/occurrences (traffic, spiders, snakes, natural disasters, flight turbulence, injections, accidents) to illustrate the variety of stimuli that can cause anxiety.  The film ends with a series of noises that can be most annoying to the human ear, and can therefore precipitate or worsen anxiety.

The purpose of this film is not to scare you, but to accurately depict the above conditions, so as to facilitate understanding of the nature of anxiety and its many triggers and manifestations.  I hope this helps medical/psychiatric students, patients, carers, and interested lay viewers to better understand anxiety disorders and seek timely professional help, where necessary.

As ever, I invite your constructive feedback and comments.  Please rate/review Breathless on IMDb.

Please read these earlier articles to know more about OCD, and stress.

For a more professional lecture on stress and anxiety disorders, please see the video link in this post.

Film festival selections for Breathless: 

1. Lift-Off Global Network First-Time Filmmakers Sessions:

https://liftoff.network/ft-filmmaker-sessions-may-2022/

Resources/references:
'Worry' quote: psychcentral.com

Book conversations: In the Shadow of Death

Through this book, the retired Director General of Police (Karnataka CID), Mr D V Guruprasad, presents cases of convicts on the death-row, with the hope of discerning the mental state of such criminals.  As he writes in the Preface, he was inspired by his encounters with late-stage cancer patients who experience hope, denial and depression in varying measures.

Mr Guruprasad has taken the trouble of interviewing several death-row convicts, some of whom have committed the most heinous crimes possible.  Of the many convicts that he meets, fascinating stories of eight are presented in this book, along with their post-crime mental state.  If not for anything, the individual stories presented in this book are themselves worth your time.  Though reprehensible, it is an eye-opening experience to find out about the extent to which one individual could stoop to, to get what he/she wants. 

Before I go into the discussions of the contents of this book, permit me to digress a little to talk about the psychosocial aspects of the criminal mind, which have a bearing on the contents.

Many of the criminals, and a majority of the prison population, would qualify for a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD).  Therefore, it would be prudent to remind ourselves about the diagnostic criteria for ASPD before we proceed further. 

[Note: These criteria are according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Version 5 (DSM-5) devised by the American Psychiatric Association for arriving at the diagnoses of mental illnesses.  There is also the International Classification of Diseases Version 10 (ICD-10), devised by the World Health Organization, in which ASPD is termed Dissocial Personality Disorder, but the diagnostic criteria are  largely similar to those of DSM-5].

ASPD is characterized by a casual disregard for, and violation of others' rights in all social situations.  This is indicated by 3 or more of the following:

• Failure to follow social norms and law, indicated by repeated illegal acts leading to arrest.
• Deceitfulness, indicated by lying, use of aliases, or conning others for profit/pleasure.
• Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.
• Irritability/aggressiveness, indicated by fights/assaults.
• Reckless disregard for safety of self/others.
• Consistent irresponsibility, indicated by failure to have gainful employment or to meet financial obligations.
• Lack of remorse, indicated by indifference or rationalization (explaining away) of problematic behaviour.

The above features should have started before 15 years of age, but the diagnosis of ASPD is made after 18 years of age.  This means that there could be precursors to troublesome behaviour even in the early developmental period, which often go unchecked, leading to the eventual ADHD in adulthood.  It is worth noting that a majority of the individuals with ASPD are men.  

One might also add loss of empathy (inability to understand others' feelings/suffering), and loss of insight (inability to fathom one's own problematic behaviour and accept help/treatment for the same).  Non-empathetic behaviour implies that individuals with ASPD see and treat other people like inanimate objects that they can abuse for their own personal gain.  

Further, loss of insight means that they fail to understand the gravity of crime committed by them and instead apportion the blame onto others (this is qualitatively different from the loss of insight one sees in psychotic conditions such as schizophrenia, in which the individual firmly adheres to the delusional belief in spite of evidence to the contrary).  Put simply, for individuals with ASPD, the whole world is at fault, except themselves.

However, crime does not always have to be due to underlying ASPD.  In many cases, crime occurs due to the complexities of the human mind; its hypocritical, sensitive and inconsistent nature that renders it vulnerable to exaggerated reactions to trivial provocations.  Since most of us interact with the world through our ego, or the lower self, our interactions are laced with deep disappointments and resentment due to unmet expectations from others around us.  

In the oft repeated nature versus nurture debate, it is important to remember that in the context of human personality, both are important.  Of course, there could be genetic and hereditary influences on deviant personality, but if the upbringing is good, and the early childhood environment is conducive to good psychosocial development, the adverse effects of genes could be mitigated to some extent.  I have documented this in an earlier work on a family whose many members had mental illnesses, with the sole exception of an elderly matriarch who displayed remarkable resilience and fortitude in handling the situation amicably.  

Spiritually, it is said that the karma we bring with us to our human existence compels us to behave in ways that can generate more karma, good or bad.  We can use our free will to act and behave in ways that can minimize the effects of bad karma and enhance the possibility of accruing good karma.  However, in reality, unless one is an advanced seer, this is easier said than done due to the effects of mind/ego.  

We easily forget that nothing and nobody is under our control; we forget we need to accept people for what they are, and that it is okay for others to behave contrary to how we would in a given situation.  The mind with its ego rules over us, compelling us to behave in often unproductive and even harmful ways.  ASPD and other personality disorders happen to be products of the vagaries of the human mind/ego, and indeed, bad karma.  

With this background, let us now delve into the individual cases presented in the book briefly (these are my personal views on these cases without any spoilers; for more specific details please read the book).

Rohan: He can qualify as the Ted Bundy of India, although the latter is said to have been even more creative in the violence he inflicted on his victims (please see films on Bundy, such as Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile, 2019).  Rohan befriended women and made away with their valuables after killing them.  

I was struck by the extent of gullibility of all his female victims who fell for this ploy.  Indeed, this is one of the enduring mysteries of our existence: like moths drawn to fire, seemingly smart women blindly trust conniving conmen to the point of self-negation.  Even if they survive, they continue to live in abusive relationships, something that can perhaps be explained by the psychological phenomenon of learned helplessness - giving up trying to escape an adverse situation even when escape is possible -  which I have observed in abused women that I have seen in my medical practice.

The Dandupalya gang: There appeared to be interesting group dynamics within the gang, alternately bickering and uniting with each other, opportunistically.  They were probably bound together by the common cause: crime, and escaping the consequences of such crime, which gave a cultish feel to their gang.  At least one member of the gang displayed the tendency of getting high on killing others; a fascination for the act of murder and bloodletting.  Given the multiplicity and the heinous nature of their crimes, it is appalling that the otherwise disparate group stuck together in the vehement denial of its wrongdoing, and one of the reasons for this appears to be the shared loss of insight described under the ASPD criteria above.  

Pushpa: This a rare case of female ASPD, with the additional problems of insatiable greed, and an inability to stay away from the act of murder, ostensibly to steal the valuables of victims, but really, I suspect, due to an addiction.  As in the gang above, any action that activates the reward mechanism in the brain (any action that triggers dopamine release in certain brain areas resulting in pleasurable emotions), can result in the individual becoming dependent or addicted to it.  

Be that as it may, her modus operandi was particularly problematic because she took advantage of her victims' vulnerability and conducted sham religious procedures to gain their confidence and kill them.  Fakery such as Pushpa's leads one to cast aspersions on even genuine practitioners of Sanatana Dharma.  Besides, her actions play right into the hands of the so-called rationalists who have a particular predilection for venting vitriol on Hindu rituals.   

Mahesh: Who said that big burly men do not cross-dress?  Yet another case of ASPD, Mahesh yo-yoed between sexually assaulting female victims and surreptitious transvestism.  It is particularly disconcerting to note that a law enforcer could turn into a law breaker and evader, which once again goes to highlight the tenacity of the criminal mind that compels one to become so. 

Suresh: For a change, this was a convict with no signs of ASPD, but he did seem to have the affliction of another kind, something which can affect any one of us.  As described above, a small word with a big problem: ego.  Hurt by the fact that one of his female relatives preferred marrying somebody else, he went on a killing spree of his family; possibly a suicide-pact that went horribly wrong.   

Sairam: Sometimes circumstances force a person to take matters into his own hands, and this man was unlucky to have had two deceptive wives.  He too, is unlikely to have had ASPD.  His case begs the question, how would we react if we were faced with a similar predicament?

Srikant: Once again, ego was hurt at the fact that a female relative that he had an incestuous feeling towards was seeing somebody else.  Like most of the cases included in this study, he too denied any wrongdoing on his part.  

Sanjay: Can alcohol blackouts be used as defence against a murder charge?  Medically, we know that alcohol increases risk of both suicide and homicide since it is a disinhibitant; that is, it takes away the usual restraint and grace that we exercise in our social relations.  The answer is probably no, because alcohol can be seen as a lifestyle choice that the perpetrator willingly indulged in, in the first place.  Sanjay probably also had dissociative episodes (loss of memory/control during stressful periods) while killing his family.  The cause for his breakdown appears to be typical marital strife that usually leads to intensely emotional upheavals and high stress and duress.

If unearthing the nature of 'death-row syndrome' is the primary purpose of this work, it is, as the author himself admits, not achieved.  There appear to be two main reasons for this.  Firstly, as Mr Guruprasad  suggests in the Afterword, the convicts appear to have been instructed by their lawyers and fellow inmates to maintain their innocence with everyone they meet, especially with a visiting policeman.  This is because they live in the hope of being released early, given the changing nature of our jurisprudence, differential application of law, and the whims of the deciding/appellate courts, judges and other authorities.  

They take heart from the fact that in several previous cases, convicts have benefitted by such largesse, and at least on one occasion, a retiring President of the country had commuted the sentence and paved the way for early release of many similar convicts.  The professional hangman that Mr Guruprasad interviews, also observes that almost none of the convicts he has hanged expressed regret for their actions, and some have resorted to the art of malingering - deliberately harming oneself or feigning symptoms of illness - to escape the noose.  

Secondly, I suspect that there could be a deeper reason for such blatant denial: the lack of insight described above under the ASPD criteria.  Many convicts actually believe in their innocence, and would do anything to rationalize their acts and shift the blame onto the victim, arresting police officers, judge, judicial system, etc.  In any case, the entire situation appears to be vastly different from what one encounters in the western countries, where there is an air of finality to the sentence, and convicts are likely to actually display the 'death-row syndrome.'  [Note: please seen excellent fictional film adaptations of real-life stories; e.g., Trial by Fire (2018) and Clemency (2019)].

I have worked in Forensic Psychiatry service while in the UK, wherein criminals who are mentally ill, or, conversely and more importantly, persons with mental disorders who commit a crime, are managed.  There is a lack of forensic psychiatric services across India, barring a few major centres.   Here, they tend to be managed in prisons by the resident doctor, who, at best, can provide only basic medical care.  

Hence, the problematic behaviour and/or psychiatric issue, notably ASPD, remains unaddressed  and mismanaged.  This in turn has a bearing on the recidivism rates, which remain high even in the presence of robust forensic psychiatric services.  This explains why convicts are liable to commit similar or other crimes upon early release from prison.  In between incarceration and being released, either through bail, furlough, or a commuted sentence, there is hardly any forensic psychiatric care available, putting both the perpetrators and their victims at risk.  

I am no legal expert, but like any law-abiding citizen, I do feel strongly about cases where gross injustice was done towards the victims.  Overall, there appears to be a lot of slips between the proverbial cup and the lip as far as serving justice is concerned.  As the saying goes, there is plenty of law in our courts, but not enough justice.  From diversion tactics, to subverting evidence, to changing statements, to feigning illnesses, to hoping for a commuted sentence, a convict and his/her representatives can take advantage of the many loopholes in the judicial system.  

The elusive nature of truth, and the almost impossible task of proving guilt 'beyond reasonable doubt' ensure that justice, sadly, for many of the victims described in this work and otherwise, remains a myth.  None of the convicts presented in this book have been hanged, and many are living in the hope of having their sentences commuted.  This is probably the reason why Mr Guruprasad has not found any significant mental illnesses, notably depression, among many of these convicts (unlike late-stage cancer patients who inspired this work).  

Which brings me, finally, to the touchy subject of capital punishment.  There have been raging debates about the veracity of this punishment method.  On the one hand, almost all victims (of other cases) and their families have expressed the wish that the convicts responsible for those cases be hanged.  On the other hand, the self-appointed guardians of human rights have cried foul and argued that capital punishment is barbaric, retributive, and has failed to act as a deterrent of further crime.  

This debate raises a few other germane questions.  Why can't punishment, including death penalty, be meted out proportionate to the crime committed in individual cases, regardless of whether such punishment acts as a deterrent of future crime or not?  What about the legal loopholes that a convict has recourse to, indeed, even that convict who has committed the 'rarest of rare' crimes?  What about the human rights of the victim who suffered at the hands of the convict?  And what guarantee can those against capital punishment provide to ensure that recidivism rates are addressed, and the released convict will never revert to his/her old behaviour?  If capital punishment is to be done away with, can the existing jurisprudence guarantee that a hardcore, incorrigible convict would be kept incarcerated till the end of his/her natural life, with no recourse to appeals, bail, furlough, or a commuted sentence?  

This, of course, is unlikely to happen because, only recently, the Supreme Court stated that the right to furlough of a convict cannot be foreclosed since it is 'an incentive towards good jail conduct.'  It is worth noting that the said convict in the case had had his death penalty commuted to life imprisonment by the President of the country with the condition that he would remain in prison 'for the whole of the remainder of his natural life without parole and there shall be no remission of the term of imprisonment.'

Both the parties in the capital punishment debate, I suggest, are missing the larger point.  Spiritually, it is said that nobody has the right to take the life of a fellow human being, no matter what he/she has done, whether it is the case of a criminal killing his victim, or a vigilante seeking retribution.  Our scriptures tell us that killing another person should be the last resort, an action that is undertaken under strict dharmic conditions when all other strategies have been exhausted.  Further, the karmic theory holds that each person should be given the chance to live out his/her karma to the fullest extent so as to facilitate their spiritual progress.  

Having said that, allowing a criminal to run riot and maim/kill others, and putting up with the inflicted injustice passively, are also adharma.  This is where the state, as the parens patriae of its people, has to step in to maintain the fine balancing act of ensuring the safety of its citizens on the one hand, and providing medicolegal and psychosocial care to convicts on the other.  This, as we have seen in multiple examples from this book and elsewhere, is easier said than done.   

If we can find the answers/solutions to these larger questions/issues, we can hope to come close to solving the conundrum of capital punishment, and indeed, meting out equitable and timely justice in all cases.

Mr Guruprasad candidly admits that this is a limited study: a single individual's effort in collecting anecdotal evidence from a limited number of perpetrators from a single centre.  Going forward, the subject of death-row syndrome requires a multi-centre, objective study of convicts' mental state using standardized tools of measurement.  

Having said that, this work is a thought-provoking attempt at understanding the criminal mind, which also serves as a grim reminder of the potential for evil that is lurking in the human mind.  Only by acknowledging and studying and managing this potential can we hope to create a safe society, and to this end, Mr Guruprasad's work is a worthy addition.

References/resources:
Image source: https://www.amazon.in/Shadow-Death-Stories-Convicts-Penalty-ebook/dp/B09MQRTDVL
Furlough news source: Apex court says no blanket denial of furlough to life convicts, Deccan Herald, 30 April 2022.

Yoga: 'Is it validated?'

In 2015, I somehow managed to contract a gut infection and was admitted in the hospital for about 10 days.  During the prolonged recuperation period post-discharge, I resolved that I should do something about my health/immunity.  I decided to take up yoga lessons and enrolled myself at a local yoga teacher's class.

Since then I have been doing yoga asanas, pranayama, meditative exercises, walking, and mild weight training, while taking adequate quantity and quality of mostly vegetarian diet.  Even though I am not practising vigorous yogic asanas, I make sure I do them regularly - more than the duration or intensity, I score high on consistency.  Yoga has become a way of life, something that I do as a daily routine.  

This has kept me going since then without any adverse health event, bar an occasional upper respiratory infection, and I continue to maintain my weight and fitness at a reasonable level.    

I have also advised patients that I see to take up yoga to maintain health, and/or to reduce the symptoms of disorders such as anxiety and stress.  I have tried to modify my own medical practice by incorporating holistic healing techniques, including Ayurveda and yoga, in collaboration with a qualified practitioner.

However, I have also realised that yoga is fraught with misconceptions and scepticism.  Generally, I divide the naysayers into two broad groups: sceptics and bigots.  The former are those who are genuinely sceptical about the health benefits of yoga; that is, they want to do it, but are uncertain about the overall effect of doing yoga.  They are more trusting of allopathic medical systems, and cast a distrusting eye over anything eastern/oriental.  

Then there are the bigots, by which I mean adherents of dogmatic religions who have been brainwashed into believing that anything outside their own religious practice is worthy of condemnation and derision.  These are the incorrigibles who will go to any extent to discredit, vilify, demonize and discourage anything that is remotely sanatanic, be it yoga, consecrated food, worshipping images/idols, or wearing bindis, for that matter.  

I quote a few examples.  A few years ago, a pastor in the US famously called yoga a 'demonic' practice.  When I was working in the UK, an Egyptian-Arabic doctor colleague spoke very condescendingly of yoga, and was dismissive of its healing power. 

Ironically, even in India, where yoga originated yugas ago, it has been reduced to a 'new age' fad, a necessity that we have taken to vicariously because the West has taken a fancy to it.  'Whatever they do, it must be good for us too,' seems to be the thought process behind the revival of yoga in our society, reflective of the underlying western bias thanks to the Macaulayian education system that we are all products of.  

In Bangalore, at a certain missionary hospital I was working in, a physician colleague of a certain denomination, inquired if yoga was 'validated' as a treatment when I said that I was advising my patients to do yoga.  He remained sceptical even after I explained that it was, and suggested that yoga was being promoted because of the wave of saffronization that was sweeping across the country!  

His religious bias against yoga became apparent when, during a later encounter, he was all for incorporating tai chi as a therapeutic practice in the treatment of neurological movement disorders, but evidently not yoga.  Perhaps, anything that was remotely sanatanic in its origin was a strict taboo for him due to his evangelical disposition.       

I find that sceptics, bigots and allopathy-chauvinists are quick to ask if yoga is 'validated' as a therapeutic intervention, fully ignoring the fact that the so-called evidence-based allopathic interventions hardly cure chronic illnesses, and worse, cause harmful adverse effects.   

More and more studies are confirming the physical and mental health benefits of yoga, such as those conducted at the premier neurosciences centre in the country, NIMHANS (in Bangalore), which has a dedicated yoga research centre.  These studies have been published in leading Indian journals, notably, the Indian Journal of Psychiatry, and at least on one occasion, in a special yoga supplement of the British Journal of Psychiatry.

But since we seem to value western opinion so much, I shall quote examples from western studies: in 2019, researchers in the USA found that yoga and breathing exercises improved the symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder after just one session, with cumulative effects in the long term [1].  A meta-analytic study published in the peer-reviewed journal in 2013, showed that yoga had beneficial effects on hypertension [2].  

If you look at the current the allopathic treatments for these very conditions, you will find that antidepressants can only increase serotonin and other neurotransmitter levels in the brain, but cannot address the root cause of depression.  Similarly, antihypertensives can symptomatically reduce the BP, but cannot cure hypertension.  Both these groups of medications are associated with their own unique side-effects. 

Researchers from Washington State and Ohio State Universities found that yoga can improve body image, which may be helpful in the treatment of eating disorders [3].  Again, there is no definitive treatment in the allopathic psychiatric system for any of the eating disorders, and mortality rate for anorexia nervosa, even with standard intervention, remains very high. 

For the sceptics among you, I would suggest that you ask yourself these questions: Is there any harm in doing yoga?  Clearly not, if done under proper guidance.  Is it beneficial for physical/mental health?  Several studies seem to indicate so.  Can it be the sole treatment for all conditions?  No, one has to judiciously use the right treatment technique for the right condition, or even combine allopathic, other complementary, or any of the yogic practices for a good therapeutic effect.  

Further, more than a therapeutic intervention, I see yoga as a preventive measure; a positive medical/psychiatric practice that can promote good health through balancing the body, mind and spirit.  Surely, with these conditions satisfied you should have no hesitation in accepting yoga as a holistic healing practice, unless religious bigotry prevents you from doing so.  

Which brings me to the bigots.  I have no solution for the bigots out there.  If bending your body a certain way in the pursuit of healthy body/mind is an affront to your religious belief, then it must be based on a very rigid and insecure premise [4], and frankly, it is your loss.  A case in point: similar sentiments were behind the decision to eliminate suryanamaskar from the very first International Yoga Day event in 2015 (but we did it anyway!).

Finally, the decision to do yoga has to come from within you.  Sanatana Dharma does not believe in enforcing any particular practice on anybody.  Watch videos and read books on the topic of yoga if you are unsure.  You can begin by reading the book Light on Life by the yoga master, B K S Iyengar, which clearly elucidates the spiritual nature of yoga.  Speak to those who are already doing it and ask if they have noticed any beneficial changes.  

And only if you are fully convinced, take up yoga classes from a trained practitioner.

Picture: How-To-Meditate-Making-The-Most-Of-Meditation.jpg (815×588) (meditationlifeskills.com)

References:

1. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/313806681_Treatment_of_Major_Depressive_Disorder_with_Iyengar_Yoga_and_Coherent_Breathing_A_Randomized_Controlled_Dosing_Study (reported in bu.edu/brink)
2. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/239948768_Effectiveness_of_Yoga_for_Hypertension_Systematic_Review_and_Meta-Analysis 
3. https://cpb-us-w2.wpmucdn.com/u.osu.edu/dist/1/10560/files/2020/12/Cox_Tylka_2020_Conceptual-Model.pdf (reported in PsychologyToday.com)
4. Quote attributed to Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

  

Should I get MARRIED?!

Bhaasyaa daivakritah sakhaa

'Wife is divinely caused friend'

Yudhishthira in The Mahabharata, Vana Parva, 313.72

~o~

Bhaasyaam manoramaam dehi manovrityanusaarineem

'Bless me with a pleasant wife who shares my mental inclinations'

Markandeya Purana

~o~

'Marriage entices the unwed and causes repentance in the wedded,' so goes a popular saying in Hindi.  Over the years I have encountered many people seeking marital counselling to save their failing relationships.  Some I have dealt with myself as best as I could, while many I have referred to the counsellors after discussing their cases with them.  In some cases, I have sat in with the therapist during the session.  

Based on these experiences that are predominantly from the Indian society, and some mine own, I have vlogged about this issue, and what follows here is an addendum to the contents of this video (in English, with Hindi & Kannada texts):

https://youtu.be/6pue3Uhf3cY

Just as one can fall in love, falling out of love is a distinct possibility.  More than falling in love, remaining in love is the harder part.  This is true of marriage too.  Love and marriage are hard work, says M. Scott Peck, the American psychiatrist.  I have seen many a couple, and indeed, their parents, seeking professional counselling to save their marriages, in the vain hope that all will be hunky dory at the end of the counselling sessions.  That somehow the counsellor will be able to wield a magic wand and all the issues accrued over years of living together, all the pent up emotions that have built up towards each other, all the heartache borne out of misunderstandings, miscommunications, affairs, and lovelessness will be waved away and they will be back to living happily ever after again.  

Alas, that is not how it works out.  

Especially in the Indian context, there are multiple factors at play in a marriage.  It begins with the notion that one can 'lie a thousand times to get a man and woman married,' as a popular saying goes in Kannada.  People hide disgraceful family secrets, mental and physical illnesses, sexual deviances, and just about everything that is considered embarrassing or a stigma, just to get the couple married.  

I have seen a wife who desperately brought her mentally retarded husband for treatment.  This, of course, was not possible, because there is no cure for mental retardation.  She was not told about this illness in her husband before the marriage.  When I confronted the husband's family as to why this was not revealed, their response was, 'if we had not hidden this information, how would we get him married?!'  For many, living unmarried is a social stigma, and so is getting divorced.

Marriage is not just between two individuals; in the Indian context, it is also between two families.  Since there are multiple individuals in large families, everyone has a say in what needs to be done, who one should marry, what kind of issues should be kept secret, etc.  By the time the couple get together, their minds are already so influenced by all these ideas and opinions that they often begin the relationship on the wrong foot.  Once the honeymoon period wanes - literally and metaphorically - lifestyle issues, adjustment problems, gender differences, and compatibility difficulties crop up, further complicating the picture.  

In India, marriage is seen as a one-stop solution for all problems under the sun.  Does your daughter have epilepsy?  Get her married, she'll recover in no time.  Is your son wayward and has fallen in wrong company?  Get him married, he'll 'settle down' in no time.  Does your son have schizophrenia?  Why, marriage will set him right, of course!  Is your son gay?  Then you should definitely get him married, that'll straighten him up like nothing else!  And so on and so forth go the specious marriage dictums.  

If only things were that simple.  Indeed, in many cases, marriage can be detrimental to a person's overall wellbeing.  I also firmly believe that certain people are not marriage material, or for that matter, parent material.  It is a commitment and a responsibility that not all are cut out to handle.  Therefore, the existing Indian preoccupation with a hundred percent marriage rate is spurious and inadvisable. I have highlighted some indicators for both getting married and not getting married in the video.

Who doesn't know about the problems originating from the fractious relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law?  It is the stuff of legends and K-serials.  You see, for a mother, her son is her magnum opus, a creation that she has put her heart and soul into.  And then, along comes an upstart extra who lays claims to him wholly, leaving the mother feeling insecure about her reduced influence and hold on her son's affairs.  This then leads to machinations of the mind between the two women in the man's life and he is left with the prospect of having to walk a tightrope in managing both their egos.  This is not to say that the fathers-in-law are exonerated from their share in marital discords; it's just that their role remains largely inconspicuous.   

Everything is ultimately related to the ego, of course.  We are defective, inconsistent, hypocritical beings that interact with each other through our own mental conditionings.  These conditionings, and the preconceived opinions, expectations and disappointments that go along with them, are responsible for the fragile nature of our relations.  Often, it comes down to 'my ego versus your ego' in marital discords.  Even petty fights are blown out of proportion with intense, emotionally charged arguments, and end in deepening chasms.  Our ancients, who probably realised this issue, made entreaties to the lords above to grant amity in our intimate relations, as shown by the Markandeya Purana quote above.  

I often wonder why people marry if all they want to do is have extramarital affairs?  I am well aware of the complexities of the loving heart, but why go commit yourself to a binding relationship such as marriage if you are already seeing someone else, or you are unlikely to remain faithful to your partner?  Marriage can be too restricting for those who are free-spirited and value unbridled independence in the way they want to live their lives, or indeed, how many affairs they want to have.  Such people will truly suffer if they get married due to familial pressure, social expectations, or a misconceived notion of enhancing their 'status in society.'

The ultimate purpose of getting married and living together as partners is spiritual progress, say M Scott Peck in his book.  We are, as the saying goes, spiritual beings having a human experience.  We are here to play certain interactive roles with each other, and through them, to clear our karma and vasanas and sanskars so that we can spiritually progress higher towards our own ultimate emancipation. 

'Marriage is a trivial solution to the miseries of life, the real solution lies elsewhere,' warns Swami Virajeshwara, referring to the impediment caused by marriage to spiritual progress.  The expectations and emotional involvement that go with being married do not allow for any deviation whatsoever from a worldly lifestyle toward a detached, spiritual existence. 

Further, M. Scott Peck reminds us that we will never find love if our intention is only to be loved; the better way is to become a person worthy of love.  This being the case, we will do well to approach our marital relations, indeed any relation, with as egoless a state as possible, through love, understanding, communication, and by letting go of ill feelings arising out of others' shortcomings.  Yudhishthira, in his observation quoted above, is perhaps reminding us about these very issues.  

If, on the other hand, in spite of putting into practice all these virtues, the relationship is turning toxic, then it's best we let go of it amicably and move on, because self-harm through persisting in a unhelpful relationship is also bad, warns Dr Brian Weiss, American psychiatrist and regression therapist.   

Manu of the scriptural fame is credited as saying that during childhood a woman should be under the care of her father, during youth she should be entitled to the care of her husband, and during old age she should be under the care of her son.  Is marriage a sign of underlying patriarchy that compels a woman's family to seek a socially sanctioned union with a male before she 'goes astray' and brings dishonour to the family?  Is a girlchild perceived as a liability and a responsibility that needs to be handed over from one man to another?  

This would then explain why families of young women are so eager to see them married off, and why the bride's family is compelled to pay the dowry to the groom's family, and not the other way round.  One can almost hear the father of the bride saying to his prospective son-in-law 'hey, I've taken care of my daughter all these years; now I hand her over to you... and here's some cash and property to help you bear her responsibility!'  This makes marriage an elaborate ploy to sanction intimacy between two individuals, a ruse for the bride's family to 'solicit the presence of' huger numbers of relatives, friends and acquaintances so they can bear witness to this ritual of handing over of the bride to the groom.  

Not to mention the costs that the bride's family has to incur in staging and hosting the entire wedding event.  Excessive food that goes waste, gifts exchanges, designer clothes & jewellery, destination weddings, exotic honeymoons: all go to make the great Indian wedding that often is nothing more than an ostentatious display of 'status' in society.  Most guests are there just to return the invitation-gift-favour that families keep tabs on, and during the actual ceremony are quite content to catch up with each other, gossip, gluttonously down the culinary spread, and keep an eye out for the next prospective bride/groom.  

Even as the guests hobnob with each other, consider some of the rituals that take place during a conventional wedding ceremony: varapooje (bride's parents honouring the groom by worshipping his feet!), groom arriving on horseback to the wedding, much like the warriors and princes of yore who arrived to carry away their brides, kanyadaan (quite literally, 'virgin donation').  Are these are not indicative of the patriarchal basis of marriages?  

Further, why should the woman move to her husband's house after marriage?  Why should her surname be replaced by her husband's surname after marriage?  In short, why should her identity be subsumed by another individual and his family only because she got married to him?  Are these not expressions of the underlying patriarchy that is the driving force of the conventional present-day institute of marriage?

On the other hand, the dowry law is often misused to threaten the groom's side when relations sour.  In trying to curb the social menaces of dowry and bride harassment, the law seems to have tilted overwhelmingly in favour of the woman, at least as far as divorce laws are concerned.  Alimony and child rearing rights further compound the picture.  Some resort to exaggerated feminism to counter patriarchy, but this too is problematic as it undermines impartiality in man-woman, husband-wife dispute resolution.  This is not to exonerate either parties, but there needs to be a balance in the way marital/dowry laws are applied. 

Whatever the reasons for the coming together of man and woman, the institution of marriage has undergone a sea change since it first began.  And it continues to evolve even today.  I certainly hope that the patriarchal foundation that marriages are based on goes, and it takes on a more equitable tone in the future.  I predict that in the future, when cultural conditioning of young minds has been assuaged, marriages would become optional.  Living alone would not be looked down upon.  

Going forward, in stead of the bride moving to the groom's house, why not move to a neutral place post-marriage?  Both the bride and groom can refuse monetary payments of any kind, or at least make sure that gifts exchanges are done equally.  Perhaps, both can have 'double-barreled' surnames, hyphening both the bride's and groom's family names?  These are issues, I hope, that future generations will ponder on before saying yes to marriage, if at all.  Only when changes occur from within, will the cultural conditionings discussed above, abate.

Further, coexistence without the bond of marriage, or live-in relations, if you like, and unions of the non-heteronormative kind would become more common and acceptable.  Man-man, woman-woman, transgender, LGBTQI+, asexual, platonic, non-childbearing, long-distance and VR-metaverse kind of relationships will become commonplace.  It wouldn't be too farfetched to surmise a situation in which parents will begin by having an open conversation with their children about their gender identification and sexuality, before going on to seek and approve any of these relationships.  

Getting married should be a well thought out decision, and not something that you agree to impulsively, or just to please your family, or due to the ephemeral notion of 'love at first sight' based only on looks.  Beauty does matter to a certain extent, at least in the beginning, but in the long run, when the vagaries of time inflict their scars on the physical appearances of you and your partner, the deeper issues discussed in the video and this article will be the deciding factors in breaking or sustaining the marriage.  

So choose wisely.  Shubhmangal savdhan!

References & resources

Paternal provisioning results from ecological change, Alger et al, PNAS.org, 1st May 2020 (quoted in Kaleidoscope, British Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 217/No. 1, July 2020)

Quotes: 

Marvels and Mysteries of the Mahabharata, Abhijit Basu, Leadstart Publishing, 2014

The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck, Random House UK, 1990

Messages From The Masters, Dr Brian Weiss, Piatkus, 2000

Scientist's Search for Truth, Swami Virajeshwara, Hamsa Ashramam, 1997

Pictures: 

Krishna Videotech from Pexels

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Background music: Vinyasa by Chris Haugen