Is it okay to be GAY?!

Is being gay a social problem?

Gayness has existed since times immemorial; it’s only since Indian people started asserting everything about their personalities openly that we are waking up to the situation.  Bewildered by their ignorance, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, contrary to their eons of cultural conditioning, are having to face the harsh reality that one of their sons, granddaughters, nephews or nieces is gay.  The situation is so glum that for many elders in India, the concept of homosexuality is an impossibility that they struggle to comprehend. 

If you look around, I am certain you can find an uncle or an aunt or a distant relative or a friend who has remained a ‘bachelor/spinster for life’, only because they were unable to declare their actual sexuality to the world for fear of ostracization by their family/community.  Either this, or they submitted to the whims of their families and entered into fruitless and joyless matrimony, which if it lasted, was nothing short of torture. 

I am reminded of a recently married male patient who was advised to see me because he was not ‘participating’ in the marriage.  His mother expressed great hope in our therapy process and thought that he would be cured of his marital diffidence, whereas the bride’s side were vehement in their criticism of his family for conniving to get their ‘abnormal’ son married.  The girl even tried to touch him during therapy to demonstrate how he would recoil from her.  At home, the mother apparently stood guard outside the couple’s bedroom so that her son would not escape conjugal union with his spouse!  

What would you do in cases such as these?  How would you address a problem that was created to hide another problem?  How will you tell them that straight marriage is not the one-stop solution to all problems under the sun?  That individuals will not be cured of their gayness if they are married off?

While all denominations of the LGBTQI spectrum face the ire of the ‘regulars’ to varying extents, it is the male-male relations that seem to receive the most flak from all quarters in our country.  I am not suggesting female-female relations are accepted without problems – they are not – but somehow men falling for men is considered to be more shocking and unacceptable. 

This is probably due to the expectations surrounding the male progeny; that he should be macho, in control of all situations, well educated, gainfully employed till retirement age, married to a woman who he can keep under his thumb, and able to procreate and raise children according to his family’s expectations.  Any deviation from this norm invites harsh criticism from all quarters, and an expectation of course-correction to fall back in line and ‘settle down’. 

Is homosexuality a disease?

Zoologists have observed homosexual proclivities in animal species as diverse as baboons, giraffes, dolphins, anglerfish, mallard ducks and cats, among others. The Homo sapiens species is no different.

Indeed, the more relevant question to be pondering upon is how is it possible for the entire humanity to be divided right down the middle into male and female genders? 

Birth, influence of genes/environment, physical gender, psychological gender and sexual feelings are complex factors influencing the ultimate gender/sexual expression of an individual.  This is reflected in the ever-increasing numbers of alphabets that are added to the acronym LGBTQ+ that indicates the gay community.  Therefore, reducing gender/sexuality to a binary is a reductive exercise and betrays a lack of understanding of these complexities. 

But ignorance and bigotry make for a deadly duo.  This is why gay people around the world have had to bear with insults, taunts, ostracization, victimization, discrimination, and the worst, conversion therapies.  Anybody who makes a claim that gayness can be cured like any disease, is lying, and is probably operating under the influence of the deadly duo. 

Being gay is neither a disorder nor a crime.  Homosexuality has been removed from psychiatric diagnostic manuals such as the ICD-10 (devised by the World Health Organization) and the DSM-5 (devised by the American Psychiatric Association) since a long time. 

Whether it is a crime or not depends on where you are living.  There are still certain countries where the state and the majority of the population are afflicted by the deadly duo, and homosexuality is considered a criminal offence.  It is not because gay people do not exist in such societies; it is just that they live a cloistered life, away from public expression.  I have seen this in students who come from a far eastern theocratic country where being gay is outlawed. 

Homosexuality is not a disease, but homophobia is!  Homosexuality is neither a lifestyle choice as surmised by upholders of traditional cultural values nor does it occur due to poor upbringing, as some parents of gay children fear it to be.  On the other hand, homophobia is a by-product of eons of erroneous cultural and religious conditioning.  Further, it can be indicative of the underlying insecurity and a fear of the unknown on part of the ‘straight’ people, who operate under the influence of the psychodynamic defence mechanisms of reaction formation and projection of these fears onto the gay community.

Ultimately though, it is all about the ego.  Families of gay people live in fear of stigma and ostracization.  Deeply affected by the diagnosis, they either live in denial of their son/daughter’s homosexuality and try to get them married, or if they do acknowledge the condition, they try to drag them along to dubious therapies in the vain hope of a ‘cure’.

This non-acceptance of homosexuality and the resulting distress caused by the attitude of their family, relatives and friends can result in gay people experiencing cognitive dissonance – a phenomenon characterized by a discord between how one feels from within and how one has to behave in the outside world.  Combine this with the guilt resulting from cultural and religious bigotry, and you will get some idea as to the pitiable state of mind that gay people have to endure for having been born that way in the wrong place and at the wrong time.    

What do the religions say?

It is most unfortunate that the LGBTQI discourse has been hijacked to some extent by 'wokeists' and pseudoliberals who never let go of an opportunity to pit it against Sanatana Dharma’s tenets, conveniently forgetting the patent homophobia that exists in prescriptive and converting religions.  If anything, Sanatana Dharma has always been LGBTQI-friendly.  The only Hindu person who claims to have a cure for samlaingikata (that is homosexuality in Hindi), is a prominent yoga guru and Ayurvedic products manufacturer – no prizes for guessing who.  I am an admirer of his work in general, but I disagree with this claim, and I hope he desists from making such misleading claims in the future.   

Leave that aside, and you will find that our itihasas and puranas are replete with stories of LGBTQI characters who are part of the mainstream discourse and play a crucial role in the stories therein.  Mahabharata’s Shikhandini who later became Shikhandi is only one such example.  The enchanting damsel, Mohini, who tricked the Asuras into forgoing their share of the immortal nectar, Amrita, was Vishnu in a female avatar.  The Ardhanarishwara form of Lord Shiva shows Him as a union of the male and female forms.  Aiyappa, the celibate Hill-God of Kerala was born of the union of this very Mohini and Shiva.

These stores underscore the fact that everything in this universe is energy.  So, even gender should be seen as such; varying expressions of the same energy, depicted in different cultures as Purusha-Prakriti and Yin-Yang.

Further, in the Valmiki Ramayana, Lord Rama’s devotee and companion Hanuman is said to have seen rakshasa women kissing and embracing other women.  At another place, the Ramayana tells the tale of a king named Dilip, who had two wives, but died without leaving an heir. The story says that Lord Shiva appeared in the dreams of the widowed queens and told them that if they made love to each other, they would have a child.  The queens obeyed Lord Shiva and one of them got pregnant and gave birth to a child who grew up to be the King Bhagiratha, best known for having brought Ganga from heaven to the earth.

So, why did our culture that was so libertarian that it expressed sexuality on temple walls and in sex treatises become so close-minded and bigoted?

Most likely, it is due to the imposition of puritanism by western invaders/land occupiers that any matter relating to sex was severely curtailed, the crowning glory being the imposition of Article 377 by the British, which the Indian government foolishly continued even after the British themselves had legalized gay relations in their own country. 

As the scholar of Abrahamic studies, Sumit Paul, says: ‘Thousands of years of slavery and the restrictive Semitic civilisational influence transformed the collective mentality of Indians and changed their psycho-sexual behavioural ethos.  We began to condemn our own cultural heritage and history.’

It took a few enterprising NGOs to take the matter to the Supreme Court to have it struck down.  Still, that’s only one part of the struggle; till date there are not equal civil rights to marry, register children/properties for gay couples (this matter is sub judice in the Supreme Court, as of April 2023). 

Spiritually, we are moving from one body to another; sometimes male, sometimes female, sometimes other genders.  So, a man might have been a woman in a previous birth, and may be reborn as a transgender in the next.  So why confine yourself to this birth alone?  If you look at it from the universal and spiritual perspective, it hardly matters whether you are male, female or other. 

As per spiritual healers and masters, your soul decides which body to inhabit prior to its earthly sojourn.  You are a spirit wearing the garb of a human body, put here to do certain actions with your free will, so as to facilitate your karmic journey through this birth and the next with the ultimate aim of attaining moksha.  So, focus on that, and give up your fixation with ephemeral bodily features. 

What should parents/families do?

As I have written under sex education, have an open conversation with your child at the appropriate time about their sexual preference.  Alternative sexuality is a normal variation of sex expression, just as being left-handed or grey-eyed is.  There is more to your child than just his/her sexuality; look at developing their overall personality, academic interests and any other passion.  Do not reduce their life to fretting over the fact that they may not get married or have children.  There is more to life’s purpose than these events.  Remember that not everybody is cut out to get married or have children.

Whether we like it or not, whether governments of the day dither or not, whether radical religions oppose it or not, and even if self-appointed custodians of Indian culture send missives to the President asking for equal civil rights not to be granted to the gay community, gayness always was and always will be.  It will be accepted in the mainstream in the future, if not now. 

As we emerge from the heteronormative prerogative of brushing aside anything queer under the carpet, we need to figure out how to uplift 'hijras'/'eunuchs' from a marginalized lifestyle that involves begging from and harassing people at traffic signals towards a more mainstream life of gainful employment through equal opportunities.  And yes, for that matter, toilets and restrooms would also have to be redesigned to be more inclusive of the LGBTQI community.  

I envisage a future wherein intimate relations would be an optional undertaking rather than mandatory, with the individuals having a wide range of sexual/gender diversity to select their partners from. 

Resources/references:

• LGBT banner picture: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT
• https://www.deccanherald.com/opinion/panorama/time-to-destigmatise-homosexuality-1152092.html
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_India#:~:text=On%207%20September%202018%2C%20a,making%20homosexuality%20legal%20in%20India.
• Shikhandi: And Other Tales They Don't Tell You, Devdutt Pattanaik, Zubaan and Penguin Books India, 2014